Ahhh Wednesday, you seem so long ago. When I was a happy little NGO observer with my happy little role at these negotiations. I was allowed inside. I networked, I press conferenced, I lobbied, I blogged. Now everything has changed, and it seems my frustration at not being allow into the Bella Centre has aggravated the frustration I was already feeling after struggling to work well with my colleagues this past week.
Its left me with the nagging self-doubt about why I’m here, and to what degree I’ve been able to make myself useful. I’m here to write to my organisation’s supporters, to blog (for the organisation) to facilitate translation and media contact. I just feel like every time I’ve tried to be helpful I’ve wasted my time (except the translation stuff).
I know I’m a good writer – I’m paid to write, I’ve just gotten a new job with a much larger organisation because I can write. And yet, everything I do here is torn apart by my policy colleagues. Not for being inaccurate – oh no, that I could handle – but for being ‘off-brand’ or ‘too conversational’ or ‘lacking substance’. My communications team congratulates me on readable, interesting and compelling pieces, and they are torn apart, or not published at all because somehow, no one is standing up for my work. I just don’t have the energy to fight about who’s job it is to decide content and editorial style for our organisation (though the answer is, obviously, not-the-policy-team).
Today it just got to me – as I wandered around the blizzard in Copenhagen I thought, what am I doing here? Have I even done anything useful? Maybe I should just go back now and save myself some time? There is a gloom over the city and over my work and I just can’t seem to shake it.