Annus Horribilis

I’ve been trying to figure out a way to express how I’m feeling of late. When my friends ask me how I am, I kind of shrug and attempt an answer but don’t finish. ‘Can’t complain’ – would be the closest I can come.

I am not bored. I find some reason to be happy every single day. Work is fine but not wonderful, friends are plentiful and good but many seem to be sad these days. I am not struggling with money, my flatmate and I are getting along. I am feeling very healthy.

But I am not quite myself.

As winter sets in, as I didn’t quite believe it would, I find myself incredulously adjusting to this all too familiar season as if it were my first. Yet it is the season of all the other years and the routines are familiar – alarms come earlier while you are dead asleep, you leave your office to find the sun already gone. And yet this year winter seems hesitant to move in – she keeps us waiting. Our autumn was summer-like, our winter is autumn-like.

I realise this is appropriate weather for how I’m feeling – dragging of heels. After all, how could winter come, how can time keep moving when someone so important is missing?

And it is this thought that grounds me – makes me see what I am doing, and I can articulate what is going on.

I am patiently waiting for this year to end. For I know what this year has brought me, I can write the retrospective regardless of the next 6 weeks. I am holding my breath and praying for nothing worse to happen, as my annus horribilis is not quite finished yet.

This may sound dramatic, but in reality it’s a dull subtlety – a tiny disengagement. I am just existing (pleasantly mind you), but I am not really living. I am not looking for love, for adventure – all the things I normally base my existence around. I am looking for finality and security. It means that as I laugh, exercise, work and play these days, there is a little part of me sitting back saying ‘play it safe until December 31’.

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6 Responses to Annus Horribilis

  1. Ha! See my post:
    Mind you’ve had a family tragedy in the last year so you’ve every right to feel a bit flat.

  2. Toffeeapple says:

    It takes a long time to come to terms with the loss of a parent. It is a long time since I lost mine so I can’t tell you what to expect but just know that at some point you accept what you can no longer have. Don’t try to put a date or a time limit on it, it just happens at the right time for you. Keeping you in my thoughts.

  3. B says:

    Thanks Toffee …

    @Kerstin – not quite the same as I’m mostly quite cheerful and losing weight and a bit healthy… but your post was quite entertaining.

  4. Harriet says:

    I lost my mother almost 2 years ago now and can most definitely agree with the general ‘meh’ feeling, it hasn’t gone away entirely yet but the genuinely good/ feeling whole days are winning out over the meh ones now. Nothing but time will help with it … but then again this is not always a bad thing

    • B says:

      Thanks Harriet – its like colours are just a little bit dull, isn’t it? Its also a club you didn’t know existed until you become a member. I appreciate your perspective 🙂 x

  5. Rose Skelton says:

    I had an awful year too but I’m sorry to hear about your loss, though you write about it and other things beautifully. I finally looked up your blog having carried around the name of it since we met in Dakar and I’m glad I did. Amongst other things you reminded me to ring my parents.

    Miss Rosie

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